FADE IN. INT. DARK ROOM - DAY BIRD'S EYE VIEW of TONY laid out on a leather couch in a room with just a few thin streaks of sunlight illuminating it. PULL AWAY to show another man, the PSYCHIATRIST holding a note pad and pen sitting in a recliner near by. TONY I thought I was over her. Then Latham moved in and... I don't know. I was wrong. PSYCHIATRIST (writing it all down) Mmm hmm. Continue. TONY She was, well, I'm not going to be daft and say we were soulmates or anything, but... The man waits for Tony to finish. When he doesn't: PSYCHIATRIST But what, Mr. Black? TONY (dejected) She was special. The first girl I met here that never violated my commandments. PSYCHIATRIST Your... what? NORMAL SCENE. TONY The ten Yank Girl Commandments I set when I first moved here. Thou shalt love Alias. Thou shalt not consider Voyager as part of Star Trek canon. Thou shalt not use the word 'soccer' in my presence. Thou- PSYCHIATRIST (cutting in) Mr. Black, I've noticed you haven't actually said her name. Tony takes a moment to consider that. TONY I know. It hurts too much to say. The psychiatrist smiles and leans forward in his seat. PSYCHIATRIST Well, Mr. Black, what would you say to a little bit of off-the-cuff treatment? TONY What did you have in mind? PSYCHIATRIST Hypnotic suggestion. CLOSE UP on Tony's face as he frowns. TONY Uh, I don't know. Even if I believed in that stuff, I don't think you're the one to try it on it since you're not- He stops mid sentence and his eyes narrow as a POCKET WATCH drops in front of his face, hanging from a chain. The psychiatrist swings it side to side like a pendulum. PSYCHIATRIST (O.S.) Mr. Black? TONY (spaced out) Yes? PSYCHIATRIST (O.S.) What is the name of this girl you've been struggling to forget about? TONY Stacy. PSYCHIATRIST (O.S.) Stacy. Alright. Mr. Black, from now until the next time you have sex with another woman, every time you hear the name- (while coughing) - Stacy- (stops; clears his throat) - you will immediately slap the nearest person. Do you understand? TONY Yes. PULL AWAY from Tony's face as the psychiatrist stops swinging the watch and glances at it. PSYCHIATRIST Ah, damn it. He walks out of frame. A few seconds later, more sunlight is let into the room. Then the lights come on. The psychiatrist comes back in and snaps his finger in front of Tony's face. Tony blinks and comes to. ZOOM OUT to get a full view of the room they're in. It's a FURNITURE STORE. PSYCHIATRIST So, Mr. Black, did you see anything you like? Tony stretches and shakes his head. TONY Beg your pardon? PSYCHIATRIST You were here for a coffee table before we got to talking. See anything you like? Tony looks around, as if he just remembered that. TONY Oh, right. Uhm... (points off screen) How much for that one? The psychiatrist walks over to the front door of the store and flips a sign from 'Out To Lunch' to 'Open.' INT. COFFEE HOUSE - DAY ARCADIO is sitting alone at a large circular table looking uncharacteristically nervous. He takes a break from anxiously twiddling his thumbs to check his watch. MIRANDA comes into frame and sits down across from him. Arcadio's face lights up, despite that thumb twiddling getting more vigorous. ARCADIO Hey! You made it. MIRANDA Against my better judgment. The corner of Arcadio's mouth twitches, but he manages to keep his smile. He glances at and shuts off his ringing phone. Miranda raises an eyebrow. MIRANDA Is that her? ARCADIO (caught) What? No, that's... Tony. No doubt to piss and moan about something. MIRANDA You're a shitty liar, you know that? Is that why you just didn't say anything about this girl you knocked up? ARCADIO (changing the subject) How about some coffee? You want some coffee? Maybe a chai tea latte? Miranda sighs and crosses her arms. Arcadio grins and nods his head a little too enthusiastically. He gets up to leave just as AMY, wearing a modest sun dress with her hair up in a bun, drops a massive stack of papers on the table. ARCADIO (surprised) Amy! I thought you were off in the woods praying for rain. Amy rolls her eyes and scoffs. AMY Unfortunately, we ran out of deer to sacrifice. Amy turns and extends her hand to Miranda while taking a seat and setting her oversized purse down. AMY Hi, I'm Amy Rees. Miranda stares directly at Amy's stomach. Then she glances over to Arcadio, who shakes his head. MIRANDA (shaking Amy's hand) Miranda. ARCADIO Uhm, Amy, we're in the middle of something. MIRANDA No, we weren't. Amy starts to split her stack up into smaller piles, not noticing Arcadio silently pleading for mercy with Miranda, who holds firm. He eventually scowls and sits back down. AMY (blissfully unaware) Mr. Gentile came back when he heard Paul resigned, so now I'm subbing for Paul's classes. Convenient that he leaves the week a major paper was due. Amy pulls a carton of cigarettes from her bag and takes out a fresh pack. She lights one up, earning another frown from Arcadio. ARCADIO When you'd move to cigarettes? AMY It's just for my nerves. Before and after meals, showers, between classes, a couple before bed, when I'm grading papers, cooking dinner. So how's the new place? Arcadio and Miranda swap bewildered looks as Amy inhales nearly half of the cigarette in one pull. ARCADIO (bitter) Fine. Great. I think I'll get that coffee now. CHAKIRA sits down in the last open chair at the table and sets down a holder with four fresh cups of coffee. CHAKIRA (distributing the coffee) Way ahead of you, hazelnut. You still take that in your coffee, right? ARCADIO (blinks) I never told you- CHAKIRA Please, don't ask. My sources only speak on the condition of anonymity. Arcadio buries his hands in his face and sighs. MIRANDA So... Paul resigned? New place? I guess I've been out of the loop. Sounds like a pretty eventful trip. CHAKIRA (to Arcadio) Speaking of which, I've got some of Paul's novels at my place. Be a doll and swing by to pick them up. I don't have his new address up in moose country. ARCADIO Don't know how since you seem to know everything else. MIRANDA Moose... wait, Paul's not here? Chakira hands Miranda a cup of coffee. Miranda glances down at the coffee, then back up at Chakira. CHAKIRA Chai tea latte. I overheard. Anyhoo, yeah, Paul ditched us to patch things up with Mommy dearest. Which brings me to my next point... (to Arcadio) Still in the market for a new roomie? ARCADIO I... well, we- CHAKIRA 'Cause I'm only paying month to month, so consider me on sale. Deer. In. Headlights. CHAKIRA Oh come on, it'd be like Paul never left! ARCADIO Huh? You two are nothing alike! CHAKIRA He likes big beefy men. So do I. What else do you want? ARCADIO I... yeah, that's not a good idea. AMY Why not? MIRANDA Yeah, why not? CHAKIRA It's a black thing, isn't it? Arcadio opens his mouth to respond to Amy and Miranda before he stops and actually processes Chakira's query. ARCADIO (turning to Chakira) What?!? I live with Mike. That's not it at all. MIRANDA Then what is it, Arcadio? Arcadio gives Miranda a withering look. She responds with a smug grin, clearly enjoying his squirming. MIRANDA Is it because your friend here is a girl? Can't handle living with one? ARCADIO No, it's not that. I... well, it's... I mean... you don't want to live with a bunch of guys. I mean, what if we walk around naked? CHAKIRA (sizes Arcadio up; grins) This is supposed to dissuade me? ARCADIO What if Tony walks around naked? Chakira's grin drops. CHAKIRA You got a point there. ARCADIO (glances at Amy) Plus Mike's got a problem leaving the toilet seat up. You don't want to deal with that. Amy coughs under her breath. AMY About the only thing he can get up. MIRANDA (wry) Come on, Arc. You've been with over a dozen women since you moved here, right? Is having one for a roommate gonna be that different? CHAKIRA Now she's got a point. MIRANDA I bet you even slept with someone when you were up in Canada, huh? Deer in headlights again. Of a semi-truck. The non-answer gives Miranda enough to make her conclusion. MIRANDA (shaking her head) Oh, you sunavabitch. Miranda quickly collects her things and leaves. Arcadio gets up to go after her and bumps into a frail, male CAFE EMPLOYEE whom he brushes past without a second thought. CAFE EMPLOYEE (to Amy) Uhm, ma'am. We don't allow smoking in here. Amy frowns and flicks her cigarette butt out of frame. The employee nods and saunters off. Arcadio returns a moment later. CHAKIRA So... about that open spot in your place? Arcadio pinches his nose and takes a sip of his coffee. Half a second later, he SPITS out a cigarette butt. INT. THE LOFT - TONY'S ROOM - MORNING Tony's sleeping on his side, SNORING loudly with a hint of DROOL oozing out the side of his mouth. The booming opening to Michael Jackson's 'Thriller' snaps him back to consciousness. He awakes with a jolt. TONY (groans) Oh, what the hell is this? INT. THE LOFT - LIVING ROOM - NEXT Tony's panel door slides open and he sticks his head out. Chakira is in the kitchen cooking an omelet while dancing in rhythm to the song. TONY Uhm... hello? CHAKIRA (waves) Hey, roomie! Rise and shine! TONY Rise and-? Tony ducks his head back in his room and comes back out holding his cell phone. TONY It's 6am, woman! (beat) What do you mean, roomie? CHAKIRA Arc woke me up when he came in from work a couple hours ago. TONY (irate) Roomie?!? CHAKIRA (singing along) 'Cause this is Thriller! WHOO HOO! Thriller night! Arcadio SLIDES out of the bathroom, dripping wet and only wearing a towel. HE STRIKES A POSE! ARCADIO (also singing) There ain't no second chance against the thing with forty eyes! They continue singing as Tony climbs down his ladder and quickly crosses the room to shut the radio off. Chakira and Arcadio frown when the fun stops. TONY Okay, let's take this from the top. Chakira and Arcadio share a look. They both shrug. CHAKIRA (singing a capella) Its close to midnight... ARCADIO (continuing the verse) ... and something evil's lurking- TONY (shakes his fists) I don't mean like that! What is she doing here? Arcadio blinks. ARCADIO ("duh") Singing and cooking breakfast. Tony's brow furrows. TONY It's too early for this. I need coffee. He goes to the coffee maker, the carafe already full of steaming hot coffee, and starts to pour himself a cup. MIKE comes in, wearing workout clothes and an iPod that he's bobbing his head along to. He joins Tony at the coffee maker. Tony, carrying a mug of coffee, walks over to Arcadio and grabs him by his arm, leading him over to the bay window at the back of the loft. TONY Tell me you didn't say she could move in. ARCADIO Not so much in those words. More like "here's a key. I'm leaving for work." Tony leans forward and sniffs the air between them. TONY Are you drunk? ARCADIO No! I haven't drank since... I got in the shower a little while ago. Tony takes a sip of his coffee and winces instantly. TONY Ugh! (out loud) What is this? Tar? CHAKIRA No, no, see baby, that's black folk coffee. Double the punch. You wouldn't understand. TONY It tastes like... chalk. Mike, who is still grooving to his music, cuts in. MIKE (elated) Mmm, now this is fucking coffee! He takes his headphones off. MIKE (to Chakira) It could only be you. They share a smile. Tony shakes his head in disgust and turns his attention back to Arcadio. RACK FOCUS to the two of them, blurring out Mike and Chakira in the background. ARCADIO What? Mike's all moping around since Paul's gone and throwing people out of windows when he's not. You're... you. I've got some stuff going on, hence the drowning of the sorrows and I don't wanna come home and be more depressed by you two sods. 'Sides, the place needs a more color. (beat) No pun intended. TONY Arc... really though? A girl? ARCADIO Look, I sort of got trapped into it, okay? Same agreement though. One month. Tony sighs and nods. TONY Fine. I guess a touch more life around the flat wouldn't hurt. Arcadio walks away as we FOCUS on Mike and Chakira again. They've both got STRAWS in the coffee pot and are just about finished draining it between the two of them. EXT. LITTLE MAGIANNO'S ITALIAN EATERY - DAY Establishing shot of a modest Italian restaurant built into a shopping center. INT. LITTLE MAGIANNO'S - BAR - DAY Mike, wearing a white button shirt, black vest, slacks, and a bow tie, strains a martini into a chilled glass and passes it to a customer, who hands him a credit card. CUSTOMER Thanks, MJ. Mike nods and enters a tab into the computer using the credit card. On the television above his head, a Boston Red Sox batter hits a homerun off a New York Yankees pitcher. CUSTOMER Aww, dammit. Hundred million dollar contract and that bum can't get any Ks past the fourth. MIKE He ain't your problem, it's your whole bullpen. CUSTOMER How do you figure? Another customer at the end of the bar scoots closer to the conversation. MIKE Man, when your relievers are in double digit ERAs, it don't matter who your starters are. I grew up watching the Indians. Trust me, I know about mediocre pitching. CUSTOMER I guess you got a point there. MIKE Plus ain't nobody in your lineup batting worth a damn. How many fly balls have you guys been popping out when they should've landed foul? Your damn batting coach needs to teach these guys to start place hitting better. CUSTOMER That's true. Sox are weak in mid right and we can't get a ball there for shit. Mike smiles and moves to the second customer. MIKE Need another beer, sir? CUSTOMER 2 No, you can cash me out. You seem to know a lot about baseball. You play? MIKE No, sir. Just grew up a sports fan. I follow 'em all. CUSTOMER 2 Even tennis? Golf? Mike laughs to himself as he takes the customer's empty beer mug and drops his check. MIKE No, I said sports. Anything where the crowd's told to be quiet while the action's happening and politely applaud after ain't no sport. They share a small laugh. CUSTOMER 2 You ever write at all, kid? MIKE Just amateur stuff. Didn't go to school for it, so I can't really break into the biz. Moved out here hoping to get lucky. The customer nods and hands Mike a small business card. CUSTOMER 2 Give me a call when you get some free time. He drops a fifty dollar bill on the bar and leaves. Mike reads over the card and smirks. EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - DAY Looking at the bay window of the boys' loft. TILT DOWN to LASSITER'S, the bar below the loft on the first floor. As this is happening, we TIME LAPSE to night and a large crowd of people FADE into the shot. INT. LASSITER'S - NIGHT Amy's at a pool table, leaning down with a pool cue lined up for a shot and a cigar in her mouth. She stands up again and scribbles what looks to be a complicated mathematical formula on a palm-sized note pad. She pauses to think, tapping her pen on the note pad before her face lights up and she scribbles the rest of the formula. She lines up again and takes her shot. CUT TO A BIRD'S EYE VIEW as the cue ball curls around a solid, bounces off two walls, goes between two more solids, hits another wall, and pops the 8 ball from behind, knocking it into a faraway corner pocket. NORMAL SCENE Amy grins and holds out her hand as a guy holding another cue, her opponent, slaps a wad of cash into it with a grumble. PAN RIGHT to Chakira sitting on the bar with a crowd of people around her. She's moving to the music and draining a tall glass of beer. PAN RIGHT again to Mike, Tony, and Arcadio sitting at a table off in the corner. ARCADIO Do you think the teachers we had when we were younger were this... different outside of school? TONY I dunno, but there's more than a few I wouldn't have minded a night on the town with. Mike rests his chin on his head and sighs. MIKE (whimsical) Miss Fourman. Eleventh grade trig. TONY Miss Stark. Sixth form history. ARCADIO Miss Chapel. First year of primary. Mike and Tony turn to Arcadio. TONY First year of primary? MIKE Ain't that like kindergarten? ARCADIO Oh trust me, the way she used to wink when she gave me my alphabet blocks to play with? (nods; grins) She wanted me. MIKE (blinks) You were fucking five! Arcadio shrugs and drains the rest of his beer. ARCADIO Some are late bloomers. Some ripen early. TONY (beat) You're a sick sick man. They sit in silence for a moment. Tony looks around and his eyes fall on a slender, gorgeous brunette standing at the bar. TONY Excuse me, I think I just spotted my future first ex-wife. Tony gets up, takes a deep breath, and heads towards the future ex-Mrs. Black. MIKE (to Arcadio) So what's up with you and Miranda or are you still not talking about that? Arcadio feigns ignorance in his expression, but Mike rolls his eyes. MIKE Come on, yo. I ain't so much as heard you mention her name since Canada. ARCADIO You ready for another beer? I'll get you one. Arcadio gets up from the table. Mike grabs his wrist to stop him. MIKE You're feeling guilty because of whatever went down with that tour guide? ARCADIO Why would I feel guilty? Not like Miranda was anything serious. Mike gives him a "get real" look. ARCADIO Seriously, nothing's going on. I just got bored with her. Time to move on. How about that beer? Arcadio pulls his wrist free and walks away just as Amy giddily bounces over, either high on life or the obscene amount of MONEY she's carrying. Mike starts looking elsewhere. Anywhere but at her. AMY I can't believe you guys don't hang out down here more often! This place is great. MIKE (re: Amy's money) Nice haul. AMY Game's simple physics. I could do it in my sleep. She splits off some of her earnings and sets it on the table in front of Mike. AMY This is for you. Mike glances down at the cash and his eyes widen. MIKE Huh? For me? AMY For the caravan mishap. I really did feel bad about that. It's not all of the fifteen hundred though. Just a start. Mike looks down at the money again, then back to Amy. MIKE (smiling) This is... pretty cool of you. Amy sits down in Arcadio's spot. AMY Yeah, well, you coming up short in that instance was my fault, so at least I could you there. Hey, maybe you could use the money to avoid coming up short in- MIKE Hey! Damn, I take it all back. You ain't gonna let that go, are you? AMY If things were reversed and I was the dead head in bed, tell me you and your boys wouldn't be having heaps of fun with me. Mike opens his mouth to respond. Then shuts it. Fair point. AMY Plus isn't a little good-natured ribbing natural between friends? MIKE Yeah, well who said we were friends? Amy puts out the butt of her cigar and lights up a cigarette. AMY Ouch. Amy HISSES and makes a claw motion with her hands. AMY Aren't we catty tonight? MIKE 'Cuse me for not wanting to relive a pretty damn embarrassing evening in my life every time I see you. It ain't endearing. AMY (bitter) As drunk as you were, I'm surprised you remember. How's living with Chakira going? MIKE It's been... He trails off and the two of them look over to the bar. PAN LEFT to the bar where Chakira is HOOTING and gyrating on the bar to the cheers of everyone nearby. PAN RIGHT back to Mike and Amy. MIKE Loud. Very loud. Didn't you say your lease was up soon? Why didn't you two move in together? AMY Me and Chokkie? I dunno. I like her, but she's... odd. Mike raises an eyebrow. MIKE She's odd? TONY AT THE BAR The bartender sets two glasses of white zinfandel in front of Tony and his ex-wife-to-be. She picks hers up and starts to take a sip when: TONY (ultra posh accent) Oh, before you drink, would it be pretentious of me to propose a toast? The girl BLUSHES and nods. Tony picks up his glass and clears his throat. TONY Here's to... (thinks) ... a long life and a merry one. A quick death and an easy one. Tony gazes deep into the girl's eyes and continues: TONY A pretty girl and an honest one. A cold drink and another one. (sighs) For in water, one sees one's own face, but in wine one beholds the heart... of another. They cross arms and sip. Tony (faux) bashfully grins and looks away. TONY I'm sorry. It was over the top I know. I'm just a traditionalist at heart, I guess. The girl sets her glass down and rests her chin on her forearm. GIRL (slightly slurred) I have no clue what you just said, but it sounded so nice. TONY Well, I can't take credit for that. Been to more than my fair share of weddings, so I've kept a few good ones I've heard in memory. (sighs) Someday, at my own wedding, I hope someone toasts my nuptials just as eloquently. GIRL You want to be married someday? TONY More than anything in the world. Traditionalist, as I said. Some men might be satisfied with just gallivanting about, spending every night in a different bed with a different woman, but I prefer a more stable relationship. (beat) A quiet night in, spent snogging with a loved one is more my taste. I'm only out here tonight because of the hormone bombs that are my two roommates. (winks at the girl) Though, the night is rapidly improving. One could almost see the waves of bullshit emanating from Tony's pores. TONY Forgive my manners, I've not introduced myself. I'm Anthony J. Black. My mates call me Tony. He takes her hand and gently kisses the back of it. GIRL I'm Stacy. ZOOM IN on Tony's face as his eyes widen. He rears back and SLAPS Stacy as hard as he can, knocking her to the ground. The music in the bar abruptly stops. MIKE AND AMY Dumbfounded stares from both, ripe with lots of blinking. AMY Whoa. MIKE The fuck was that? CHAKIRA AND ARCADIO Chakira's still up on the bar, bent over at the waist. Arcadio is on the bar behind her in a doggy-style position. They're both frozen in place. CHAKIRA Uh... ARCADIO Well, that's new. Normally, it's the girl slapping him. TONY AND STACY Oblivious to the fact that everyone in the bar is staring right at him, Tony looks down at Stacy and shakes his head like he just came out of a trance. TONY (blinks) Oh God, are you alright? Did you trip and fall? STACY What the fuck was that?!? Tony leans down to help her back up, but she slaps his arms away. STACY Get the hell away from me. TONY What? Why are you so upset? STACY You slapped me, you fucking asshole! Tony blinks. TONY I did no such thing! You're off your rocker. A hand clamps down on Tony's shoulder. He turns to see it's that of a BOUNCER, with another one right behind him. BOUNCER 1 You need to get your ass out of here before I have you arrested. TONY I didn't do anything. Both bouncers grab him under his arms and start to drag him out. BOUNCER 1 Let's go, pal. TONY (struggling) No! I didn't do anything. Take your hands off me! He's dragged out the door with the crowd still staring. Once he's out the door, the music resumes and everyone goes back to what they were doing. INT. THE LOFT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Tony walks in the door, now sporting a black eye. He doesn't bother turning the lights on. Just tosses his jacket to the floor as he crosses the room and climbs the ladder up to his room. FADE TO: INT. THE LOFT - TONY'S ROOM - LATER Once again, Tony's snoring peacefully. A sudden blast of TECHNO MUSIC wakes him up. TONY (groans) Oh, now what? INT. THE LOFT - LIVING ROOM - NEXT Tony slides his door open to see the loft is jam packed with everyone that was in the bar downstairs! The lights are still off and everyone's waving GLOW STICKS around. Tony climbs down and pushes his way through the crowd, eventually locating Chakira, Arcadio, and Mike by the kitchen. Mike's pouring shots of tequila for everyone. A billow of SMOKE comes in from the side and gets Tony to cough. He waves it away and looks in that direction to see Amy lighting up a fresh cigarette. TONY How many have you had today? AMY Just three. (beat) Packs. Tony shakes his head and turns his attention to the others. TONY What is going on here? MIKE That's what I want to know. What's up with you going Tyson on that chick downstairs? TONY (blinks) Look, I don't know what you all think you saw, but I did not lay a finger on that woman. ARCADIO Tone, you slapped her like she said Megan Fox was ugly. Tony immediately whirls around and SLAPS Arcadio. TONY Blasphemer! Don't ever say- MIKE Hey! Knock that shit off. Tone, you developing Tourette's or something? TONY I honestly don't remember slapping her. She told me her name and next thing I knew, she was on the ground and... we're off topic! He sweeps his arm around the room, motioning to the sea of humanity. TONY Why are all these people here? CHAKIRA (while dancing) Party don't stop 'cause the bar closed, honey. TONY We have work in the morning! Arcadio leans back and looks at Tony's behind. ARCADIO Wow. (beat) It's so far up your arse I can't seen it from here! Mike GUFFAWS as he pours salt between his thumb and forefinger. TONY I'm serious! (points to Amy and Chakira) You two are teachers! Don't you have to be alert for your students? AMY (to Chakira) He's got a point. CHAKIRA Oh whatever. Spring a pop quiz and get a teaching assistant to proctor it while you nap in the teacher's lounge. Damn, woman, you've got a lot to learn. Mike, Tony, and Arcadio swap looks and frowns. MIKE That's why teachers do pop quizzes? Tony shakes his head and opens up one of the drawers to retrieve a pair of EAR PLUGS. TONY Night, all. Tony slinks off. The rest of them shrug and take the showers (except Amy). Tony ascends his ladder again. EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - NIGHT The music starts to fade as we TIME LAPSE to morning. INT. THE LOFT - TONY'S ROOM - MORNING CLOSE UP ON Tony's face. More snoring. More drool. He wakes up with a yawn and rolls over- - to see Chakira laying right next to him! TONY Gah! CHAKIRA (waking up; cheery) Mmm... morning, roomie! TONY What are you doing in here? CHAKIRA Well, my bunk was full. A couple people slept over 'cause they were too drunk to drive. Tony sits up and slides his door open. INT. THE LOFT - LIVING ROOM - NEXT Tony pokes his head out to see, well, none of the actual floor. Every square inch is covered with sleeping people! FADE TO MOMENTS LATER Tony's precariously stepping over the sleeping people, moving towards the bathroom. He YELPS and falls on top of three people when the opening to Michael Jackson's 'Thriller' startles him. He looks up to see Chakira walking away from the stereo system. Oblivious to the people being smothered by his girth underneath him, he watches Chakira scale the ladder to her room and knock on the door. The bouncer that threw Tony out comes out and starts to climb down. Followed by the woman Tony slapped. Followed by another random person. And another. And another. And another. PUSH IN on Tony's face. TONY It's like a bloody clown car. FADE TO: INT. THE LOFT - TONY'S ROOM - MORNING Title over: THE NEXT MORNING 'Thriller' begins again, once more waking Tony up. INT. THE LOFT - LIVING ROOM - NEXT Tony sticks his head out to see Arcadio on top of a tall ladder with the beginning of a tape measure held to the ceiling. Mike's holding the ladder in place while Chakira is holding the other end of the tape measure to the floor. CHAKIRA It's... nineteen and a half feet. Arcadio nods and lets go of his end, letting the tape recoil into the base. TONY What are you doing? CHAKIRA (deadpan) Measuring for the stripper pole. TONY What stripper pole? ARCADIO Oh, we didn't tell you about that? Tony rolls his eyes and ducks back into his room. INT. THE LOFT - TONY'S ROOM - MORNING Title over: THE NEXT MORNING 'Thriller' wakes up Tony. INT. THE LOFT - LIVING ROOM - NEXT Tony stomps up to the stereo and yanks out the power cord! Behind him, Arcadio SLIDES out of the bathroom in his towel and stops. ARCADIO (turning around) Oi! What happened to the music? Tony produces a pair of SCISSORS and cuts the power cord! TONY (triumphant) There'll be no more of that. He drops the cord and walks out of frame. INT. THE LOFT - TONY'S ROOM - MORNING Title over: THE NEXT MORNING You guessed it. 'Thriller' again. INT. THE LOFT - LIVING ROOM - NEXT Tony pops his head out. ZOOM IN on a small BOOMBOX on top of the stereo equipment. REVERSE ANGLE as Tony walks up and SMASHES it with a HAMMER! Behind him, Arcadio SLIDES out of the bathroom in his towel and stops. He turns around and throws his hands up. INT. THE LOFT - TONY'S ROOM - MORNING Title over: THE NEXT MORNING Right on schedule. 'Thriller' starts again. INT. THE LOFT - LIVING ROOM - NEXT Tony sticks his head out. ZOOM IN on a new radio. EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - MORNING The radio sails out of the windows and SMASHES into pieces when it lands in the middle of the street. INT. THE LOFT - LIVING ROOM - NEXT Arcadio SLIDES out of the bathroom in his towel and is promptly tackled by Tony! ARCADIO (wrestling with Tony) What the fuck, Black? Chakira, over in the kitchen making coffee, looks terribly amused. CHAKIRA (licking her lips) Mmm... someone get the baby oil. TONY (struggling with Arcadio) Mike! Get down here! Mike sticks his head out of his door and frowns. As he's climbing down the ladder: MIKE This better be good. I was dreaming about winning the NBA title and getting a night with Lisa Leslie. TONY Chakira, I apologize you have to be here for this, but I think we need to put your place here to a vote. Tony is straddled on top of Arcadio holding both of his wrists down. MIKE You woke me up for that? ARCADIO Tony. (beat) I'm naked under this towel. Tony looks down, frowns, and leaps off of Arcadio. TONY I'm sorry, I just don't think- CHAKIRA It's okay, guys. No need to vote. TONY Beg your pardon? CHAKIRA This is my last day here. I signed on a gorgeous studio across town last night. Tony's face briefly lights up before he recovers and shakes it off. TONY Oh... well, I'm sorry things didn't work out. ARCADIO (shaky) You're not taking the stripper pole, are you? Mike wraps his arms around Chakira. MIKE Well, honey, I'm sad to see you go. At the very least, the music around here was better. He gives her a kiss on the cheek. MIKE I've had about enough of The Clash and AC/DC. ARCADIO 'Cause we paid for that up front. CHAKIRA Awww, boys. I'll still stop by. TONY Don't threaten us! ARCADIO (dejected) I'd already booked a private party on the premise of having it here. Chakira laughs and heads towards the bathroom. CHAKIRA You boys just don't know how to have fun. I'll invite you to the housewarming though. As she disappears into the bathroom, we FADE TO: INT. THE LOFT - LIVING ROOM - MORNING Title over: THE NEXT MORNING Arcadio's sprawled out on the couch. Aside from Tony's rhythmic SNORING, the place is pretty quiet. CLOSE UP on the sink in the kitchen. There's a small drip ECHOING through the loft. CLOSE UP on the control console for the air conditioning unit. The LED reads 'Current Temp: 67°F' It goes to 68 and the fan clicks on. CLOSE UP on the analog clock hanging on the wall in the kitchen. The second hand TICKS as it goes through its cycle. PUSH IN on Arcadio as he sighs. ARCADIO (whining) It's too quiet. He gets up from the couch and walks over to the stereo. TILT DOWN to show the power cord reattached with duct tape. TILT UP as he turns the stereo. Yep. 'Thriller' returns. Arcadio plops down on the couch and lets out a relieved sigh- - Just before Tony wraps a rope around his neck from behind and begins to strangle him! ARCADIO (gagging) Tony! PULL AWAY from these two. Tony has murder in his eyes and pulls harder on the rope. ARCADIO (still gagging; louder) Tony!!! FADE TO BLACK. L.I.T. (singing) I'm... in... over my head... END OF SHOW